Its been a fairly average week all things considered, Thursday and Friday were good but apart from that it passed by pretty uneventfully. I think things are getting out of hand with K though. I'm starting to feel quite attatched...

He's gone away for 2 weeks and he said he would miss me. The thing is I will miss him too, and I really don't want or need that. When I go out I don't want to pull anyone because I want to go back with him at the end of the night. Not just because of the sex, which is getting better everytime, but because I have a laugh with him. Probably a good thing he's going away for a while, gives me a chance to chat up some other lads I suppose. If he pulls someone while he's away I think that would annoy me; so shall get off with someone just in case? Aargh god its all so stupid, wish I was more like a man and could be emotionally detatched. Well he's only around for 3 more months so I don't suppose it can go that wrong...

Friday night went clubbing and took a couple of E's which is probably contributing to why I feel really down today. Did have an awesome time though, I think more people should do ecstasy there is nothing like the feeling of being so happy and content. The day after is a bit of a bastard though. Still have to take the rough with the smooth I suppose. Have decided I want to try some ketamine. K is always going on about it, which I suppose is the main reason that I want to try it. I know J has done it before as well. Where does one get some from though? I think its probably a kind of house party drug more than anything. K wants us to try some acid, not sure if I'm up for that. Don't want to be having flashbacks in 20 years time of the time I thought I was milk bottle or something equally stupid.

I really regret wasting over 2 years of my life with my ex. I am only just starting to have fun and enjoy my life and I could have been doing it so much earlier, I honestly feel like I have been cheated out of an important time in my life. I made so many bad and stupid decisions because of him. Next time my friends don't like my boyfriend I will not turn a blind, lust crazed, infatuated eye, and instead will pay attention to the alarm bells ringing in my head....probably.

I feel so old sometimes. I feel like life has passed me by. My old friends either have careers or babies so I have nothing in common with them, not that I have managed to keep in contact with them. I really wish I was though. I feel really lonely when people look forward to going home, because I don't. I have nothing anywhere.

Still, wallowing in self pity is not going to help me!

Feel a bit deflated today. Went shopping with J and some of her mates today, including a couple. It made me miss all the couplely stuff I used to do with my ex. Just simple stupid stuff, like getting little kisses or holding hands. I miss doing things with someone. I don't miss him, I  just miss the intimacy. Also feel crap cos I've got nothing to do tonight, did have fun and got totally wasted last night but there is something so depressing about being single and alone on a friday night...

 Actually made me start thinking about K, wanted to see him tonight nearly text him but decided against it. He text me Wednesday night when he went out, which I was pleasantly suprised about. Its nice cos it means that person is thinking about you if they randomly text. Was hoping to see him Saturday night, but won't now because we're going to a house party and I doubt he'll come. Feel pretty gutted really. I like being with K, the sex wasn't great but the build up is good. Plus I think if he had a couple of drinks he'd be better cos he'd be more relaxed. Plus I get a sort of intimacy feeling from him. Might ask him to the house party...

Must remember not to get carried with it all, he's only around for a few months anyway and I'm only feeling like this cos I had a creepy lonely moment. And I'm horny

Bought some new underwear today with him in mind. Don't know when he'll get to see though as next Friday we're going to support my mate's gig and he's not coming. Hmmm will be on E so will have to make sure I don't send him any love texts haha. Hopefully might see him after if we all go back to the flat which we probably will and then I can get some! Rob will be there thinking about it... I can't believe I was soo hung up on him! It really makes me laugh thinking about it now .

Bugger, can't stop thinking about having sex with K.  Its gonna be a long night....

Saturday night was pretty funny all things considered. It got a bit confusing towards the end, but the best nights out always do!

I met up with my friends KT and J before had as we were getting ready together. KT was asking me what was going on between me and Rob and so I had to recount the whole shameful Friday morning incident to her, when he treated me like shit. She agreed that it was totally out of order, especially because we were supposed to be mates. She said though that a friend of Robs who she basically had the same experience with did exactly the same thing to her, so clearly its something about being from that particular area that makes you act like a total berk the morning after. So I feel better about it now that I have been able to talk to someone else about it and they agree that it was not a nice way to be treated. KT thinks that I should tell him that he made me feel like shit, but I don't want him to know that he hurt my feelings as that would make a big deal out of it, which I don't want.

When we got to the boys flat, Rob and M weren't there yet as they were watching the rugby at the union, which pissed S off I think. K was there and it was all normal, no awkwardness so was pleased and we all started pre- party drinking . When M and Rob finally arrive Rob acts totally fine with me says hi and gives me a kiss. This is more than he bothered to do on Friday which actually pisses me off more, because he obviously thinks its totally acceptable to be a twat after sex. So I'm just like yeah hi and walk off to talk to someone else. He tries to talk to me in the hall and I just walk past again, hope it made him feel bad.

We get to the club for about 11.30 by which time everyone is a bit pissed. The idiot C starts trying it on with me, but its a bit weird and pointless. We spend the majority of the night flirting, winding each up about doing nasty things to each other, and saying how we're not going to have sex. Its all a bit strange. I really wanted to kiss him and so many times in the club I nearly let him, anyway K is there and I don't want to piss him off. Which is weird because I'm not even sure if I really like him. Rob doesn't say one single word to me all night, I notice him looking at me messing about with K and the idiot C sometimes. He obviously isn't too bothered, which makes me wish even more that I'd gone back with the idiot C on Friday at least it would have been a laugh and he can make small talk for 5 minutes in the morning!! Anyway, at some point in the night somone tells the idiot C that I slept with Rob, then spent the day in bed with K. He asks me about it and I just laughed, luckily he see's the funny side and says i'm terrible, not that this puts him off flirting with me. So this means then that Rob knows I was with K, so I wonder if the idiot C told whoever told him, (M I assume), that he kissed me that night as well... Anyway S gets totally wankered and chucked out the club and then tries to start a fight with the bouncer, so we all leave and head back to the boys flat. On the walk back, the idiot C keeps trying to convince me that we should go to bed together at the flat and have some kisses and cuddles and a massage... all this in front of K! So obviously I was like no! It takes us an hour and a half somehow how to walk back including the worlds longest kebab stop, K is pretty drunk and goes to bed. He wants me to come back and get him in 10 minutes. The idiot C tries to get me to lay down with him on the sofa, but I pull together all my (limited) self control which is fading pretty fast by this point and manage to get him to come into the other room where everyone else is.

I keep getting up and going to see K and doing a line while I'm in there, as a few of M's friends aren't into drugs and I don't want to a) look like a junkie or b) make anyone uncomfortable. K is pretty tired and wont come into the other room with everyone else, he wants me to get into bed and go to sleep with him. But I'm wide awake on bloody coke now so I'd just lay there awake and buzzing so I go back into the other room. By this point its only M, Rob, the idiot C and me in the other room. The idiot C has got some sheets and pillows on the floor in a sort of make shift bed as Rob and M are in the bed together. I get in the pretend bed with him, but I won't let him touch me even though I'm up for it, it would be so unbelievably bad with Rob 2 feet away and K in the next room!! The idiot C strips down to his boxers and tries to convince me to take some clothes off. This is total torture. Anyway we're all chatting and messing about, and I start gently running my nails down his back, and over his neck. I let him touch my leg, but I can see its the start of a slippery slope. So I move away, but he tries to kiss me which I dodge a couple of times and then think fuck it... I seriously begin to contemplate going home alone at this point. If I stay on the floor with C it'll inevitably end up with some heavy petting, if I go to K then I look bad in front of the idiot C and Rob. Just as I was coming to a decision about what to do K walks into the room.  Arse.

He walks out, and I get up and follow him back to his room. I think he's a bit annoyed and so I have to convince him that I was n't doing anything with the idiot C  which is basically true, just one little kiss which hardly counts. He said that I was a cock tease and that I was out of order to C, I actually laughed at this point. If K knew how the idiot C works then he would realise it was completely the other way round. Plus I'm a bit annoyed cos I did nothing all night just so K wouldnt be ina mood and then he is anyway. I think he was anticipitating a problem with Rob, not the idiot C. Anyway he forgives me (how kind) after like 5 minutes of explanation and I get into bed with him, by this point its like 5.30 in the morning and I'm still wide awake.

We spend literally hours just kissing and cuddling, its the most amazing slow build up to things. I was getting so turned on it was unbelievable. However, I am also thinking how does this guy have so much self control?? It transpires that he didn't lose his virginity until he was 18, (which I personally think is pretty sweet and fairly admirable considering this guy is really cute and has a huge cock ), and is fairly inexperienced. We were chatting and he was saying that he'd only ever had sex in a bed and hadn't really experimented at all with anything sexually. I think he was a bit nervous about actually having sex with me. He said he was worried that he'd come really quickly and that I'd think he was rubbish. I found the whole thing really sweet, its so cool to be with someone who is honest about their sexual history rather than making out they are something they are not. Anyway, he makes me come and I return the favour, so that he can last longer when we actually get round to having sex. By this point its like 10am so we decide to have a nap, which turns out to be a bad idea cos it drains my energy totally when I wake up! More kissing, cuddling and amazing foreplay follow, I want to go on top but I don't have the energy and I know it'll just be shit for him. So its just basic missionary, which to be honest I quite enjoy anyway. However I get the feeling he just can't relax and the sex is a bit awkward. He comes pretty quickly and seems a bit embarassed, to be honest though I'm not that bothered because of the hours of kissing and touching before hand. I reassure that it was fine because I know he was tired and I was satisfied anyway. We cuddle for a bit longer then  I get up  to go cos somehow its 2 in the afternoon!

This is the awkward bit... I left my boots in M's room so I can't quietly leave out the fire escape like last time So I knock on the door, the idiot C has gone, M is up but Rob is still asleep in the bed. M wakes him up while I'm putting my boots on, (had to style it out now, no point in pretending my behaviour has been saintly this weekend ) K comes in and thats just soo... God there isn't even a word for it! Anyway I make my escape, heaven knows what they must have talked about.

Actually I don't want to think about it.

I dont even know where to begin, its been a messed up 24 hours...

OK so the meal, got completely ignored more or less by both Rob and the idiot C. Not a good start I was thinking to myself. Anyway was OK didn't have any dubious topics brought up so pretty uneventful. Then we started our pub crawl with the addition of the rest of our mates, including K. Who didn't ignore me! Anyhoo few drinkies later and so far its mostly only K who is making an effort with me. Have had a few glances and conversational snippets from Rob, and I must admit looking at the idiot C and wishing he wasn't so ridiculously good looking. So we end up in a club, whichh is where it all starts getting interesting...

Suddenly I am getting attention from Rob and K. V good I think to myself at least I have options. I finally get enough vodka inside me to go over to the idiot C and ask him why he is ignoring me. He says that he isnt and we have a lovely chat until Rob drags me off for a talk, then K does. I am quite hopeful by this point that Rob will make a move on me and we can go back to mine, however this does not happen. The group gets separated in the club, and me, Rob, K and my friends S and KT end up leaving after everyone else for some reason. Then out of the blue I get a text from a number I didnt recognise asking where I was and if I was OK. So I ask S if he recognises the number and he says its the idiot C!! I was really suprised, I deleted his number nearly a year ago so I'm quite suprised that he either kept mine or asked someone for it. So anyway we walk back from the club cos its not far to their flat, me and K somehow end up far ahead of the other 3. So I'm secretly hoping that he will might make a move but he doesn't so I think OK fair enough.

Back at the flat, there is some sort of impromptue wrestling which the idiot C drags me into, basically I'm pretty sure so he can cop a feel. Anyway he is sitting behind me, with his arm around my neck, sort of choking me which he knows really turns me on. Then he starts to pull my hair (again I love this and he knows it) so I'm thinking what the fuck is going here?? Then everyone more or less leaves the room cos there is some random chaos happening elsewhere, and the idiot C and I have a really good chat and sort out what the fuck happened the last 2 times we hooked up. Basically the idiot C is uncomfortable having one night stands, which is why he cant go through with it or something was quite drunk so dont remember the exact ins and outs but basically we're sorted. So I give him a hug say I'm glad that we're mates but its a shame cos we could have had the filthiest, nastiest sex imaginable. Then like 5 minutes after that we're in the lounge with everybody and he feeds me a chocolate (where the chocolates came from is anyones guess), so I deliberately bite the end of his finger. Naughty I know, but it was his own fault for starting it with the strangling and hair pulling. He slaps my arse as I walk past to get a drink from the kitchen, he then follows me into the kitchen and corners me for a kiss. This is when I think OK been here before and its a long frigging road to sexual frustration, then somehow it comes about that I should go back to his just for kisses and cuddles. So now I weigh up my options, possibility of sex with the idiot C - slim to none, possibility of sex with Rob - good to v.good. So I say no but i'll go back to his Saturday (why did I say that??). Anyway, shortly after this he pushes me up against the hallway wall and kisses me again, damn but that boy has good kisses.  Then he says that he thinks that he deserves a slap for the other week, I say that he doesn't but I wish he could have told me what he said earlier at the time. Anyway so he asks for a slap, so I give him a good one Shortly after this he leaves, so then its back to the K and Rob dilema.

K and I have been engaging in pretty obvious 'subtle' flirting all night by this point, but he hasn't actually made any actual move on me at all and neither has Rob. I start to wonder if I made the right decision with the idiot C. Soon its just me , K,  Rob, S and KT still up  now I am the only one who is not legitimately able to stay over as KT is S's girlfriend, K lives there and Rob is staying the night on there floor. To cut a long story short I make a play for Rob when K leaves the room, so now we are cuddling on the sofa. K goes to bed and S and KT fall asleep so Rob and I make out on the sofa for a while, then we go back to mine...

We get back to my flat and I realise that I have left my phone at theirs somewhere, but I dont worry because I'm pleased that Rob and I are finally going to have the amazing sex I have been obsessing about for 2 months. WRONG. It was pretty bad, he was too drunk to do anything very productive and the foreplay was practically non existant (good job the idiot C warmed me up for him ). So I was like clearly your a bit too drunk for this lets do it in the morning, although by now its like 4.30 am anyway. Then about half hour after he fingers me to a semi climax, then we have very short sex . What a complete waste of fucking time, but the story gets better...

In the morning he wakes up after me (I always wake up freakishly early when I'm hungover, its like my body is doubly punishing me), doesn't kiss me or say good morning or anything, just jumps out of bed puts his clothes on and says "right i'm off". WHAT THE FUCK?! So I'm like wait 2 secs and i'll come with you cos I need my phone. He hardly says to words to me as we walk back to the flat, by which point I'm finding it hard to swallow by sheer indignation. Anyway my phone is in K's room so I knock on the door and go in, he's still in bed. We start chatting and I sit on the bed. Before I know it I'm lying down cuddled up next to him. Eventually we start kissing but I'm determined to keep all my clothes on!! I basically end up staying in bed with him just kissing and cuddling (fully clothed) from 10.30 in the morning til 5 in the afternoon! About half way through my bizarre lie in, M (Robs mate and whos bday it was) walks in on me and K. He doesn't say anything but he knows I went home with Rob last night . So at this point I come clean to K about it, who previously thought I'd gone home alone... Anyway he takes it quite well, he was worried that Rob would be annoyed but I told him what happened in the morning and he was like "oh" I think he was suprised cos he knew about the previous incidences I'd pulled Rob. I feel bad though because I felt like I'd put K in an awkward position, but he gets over it pretty quickly. He asks me about the idiot C, I think he saw us kiss either in the hall or the kitchen, this makes me look very bad indeed. But fuck it, I'm single, they're single its not like I promised any of them anything. Plus haven't actually slept with the idiot C or K, so technically not that bad .

Anyway K decides and I agree at the time, that Saturday night I should definately not go near either of them because it would look harsh to go back with K, 2 days after I went back with Rob. K also says that he thinks I'd be out of order to him, if I went off with the idiot C. However, about 4 hours earlier I'd text the idiot C saying I should have gone back with him thursday night oops!! Quite suprised that Idiot C replied we had a lovely little text conversation, which made me feel that we had actually made progress towards being mates. Anyhoo, so I say yeah OK cos clearly when I'm drunk I make bad choices, so K says he'll send me home before it gets out of hand. Good I think. Then I think hold on, why does he get to decide who I go home with?! So in my brain I am trying to hatch a plan so I can go home with the idiot C without K finding out, which basically is impossible, because of the bloody gossip network its bound to leak. Arse. I sneak out the fire exit and go home so dont have to explain to Rob, M and S why I've been in K's room for 7 hours.

I went back later tonight cos my dealer lives in the flat above, and J asks me to pop in and say hi. K and Rob are sitting next to each other in the living room perfectly relaxed, so I'm glad because I am obviously not going to be a potential hate figure and K obviously didnt get any trouble.

At least I no longer have the unhealthy Rob obsession now, just back to getting confused by the idiot C and K instead. Casual sex is pretty complicated, probably would help if K and the idiot C weren't connected by M. Then I could probably get away with doing what I wanted...

OK so its the big meal tomorrow, followed by drinkies and I've had the awful realisation that it can only end badly.  I' m going to be sitting around a table eating with 3 people that I have almost had sex with in the last 2 months, then we will be going for drinks with 1 person I nearly slept with and another who I did sleep with but can't get rid of. How is this going to have any other outcome than a series of hideously cringeworthy moments?!

I suddenly had the thought that what if everything does go well and Rob and me hook up again and then its awful. Can there be anything worse than fantasising about sleeping with somebody for 2 months only for it to turn out to be completely crap? Or what if its all going well, I sleep with him, then on Saturday when we have the actual party, he doesn't want to know! Jesus that would be a real kick  in the teeth, which I doubt even my sexual self esteem would find it hard to recover from. Or if it goes well should I make him wait til Saturday so he doesn't realise I'm a total ho (assuming that he doesn't already know this after having dinner and drinks with my latest drunken fumbles). Bugger.

Actually been thinking about K today. Don't want this to turn into another worrying obsession I can barely keep it together about Rob. Not that I can tell anyone how I feel about either of them really, everyone has to be so blase about casual sex. You're not actually supposed to look forward to it or want to do it again as this behaviour is stalkerish. Like poor G. I slept with him a couple of weeks ago and he has been hounding me ever since. Total turn off, its weird how the more a guy ignores you the sexier they become...

I suppose if Rob is being cold I could try K, and G is going to be there so if I get desperate I suppose I have options, but I just want to get with Rob. Then whatever happens after that I do not care. I have had enough of nearly sleeping with him, if it doesnt happen this weekend then I will just have to dust it off. It better happen though. I've pulled out all the stops on the underwear and outfit stakes. I need a plan...

OK after careful consideration the plan is: Don't get too drunk.
Can't get any bloody coke til Friday so thats a total pain in the arse, come to think of it I dont think I've ever been drug free around Rob. This is possibly not a good sign. Jesus, what if I only think he's great because I was high?  Shit. Also if I think I might want to try it on with K again later, can't be too obviously trying it with Rob. This will definately make me look bad. Also, Rob is going to be staying at K's flat so if I go back with him he will definately know and vice versa. I think this is actually quite mess. Damage limitation might be the key here. I just need to take a few deep breaths, not over think the situation and make sure I have a large vodka in my hand at all times. The "I'm single, I'm a free spirit" attititude might carry me through any awkward bits and if I can't pull it off in my super cute mini dress on Thursday, then I have my show stopping hot pants on Saturday and if that doesnt work then I'm out of fucking ideas.

Friday night I went out with my flatmate who is actually starting to creep me out. He has always been obsessed with sex and stupid things like that, but i just put it down to his age and his lack of experience with girls (he is 22). Lately though its been getting a bit much. He said to my best friend J "you know we'll end up sleeping together, dont you?" and she has a boyfriend who he knows. He says things like " i like to watch the girls bums and boobs when they are running at the gym" and is always going on about lesbians and stuff. Its all so immature and a little bit unnerving. Its no wonder that he doesnt have a girlfriend when he has that attitude to women. Anyway, we were in the pub having a perfectly nice normal time, when he suddenly asked me for some of my hair. What the fuck?!   So needless to say that was a pretty short evening.

Saturday night was game night. Always bound to have some random events attached to it. This particular night the neighbour from next door randomly turned up drunk half way through the evening which was hilarious. He kept saying something about needing his passport to go to Gosport, it was soo funny. Then he left, but somehow let himself back into the flat at like 4 in the morning and played twister with us, which he somehow won!! I spoke to Rob on the phone, and for the life of me I cannot remember what I said to him. God I hope I didnt say anything to stupid, I suppose the fact that I was totally fucked and what later happened with K might exonerate me if I said anything slightly along the lines of "i really fancy you"

I ended up pulling my friends housemate K, who is cute but they dont like him that much. They say that he is boring and moans about crap. I just dont think he fits into their little clique, which to be fair, is damn near impossible to get into. He was sweet though. We didn't have sex because I was too drunk and fed up of making drunken mistakes like that, but I did stay over in his bed. I was way too fucked to walk back on my own anyway, so I thought I might as well stay and have a few kisses and cuddles. I actually think, from what I can remember and what he was like in the morning that he would be quite a good shag. I remember that he had a big cock anyway . He is only 20 so I did feel like a bit of a cradle snatcher... What is worse though is that its all just making me look bad. I think. I mean last week it was the idiot C, this week it was K although I didn't actually have sex with either of them. I just dont want Rob to think that I am a total ho. Not that it matters what he thinks of me really, as its never going to come to anything really in the end.

Sunday bloody stalker boy ex turned up. It was awful. He was begging me for another chance. It was so painful, I hate to see him so upset and I hate the fact that it is me that has caused him to be that hurt. At one point I nearly cracked and took him back, but I know in my heart that things will never change so it would be pointless. Plus I'm enjoying myself being on my own. Its fun meeting guys and hooking up with people and making all the pointless mistakes and errors in judgement.

I need a master plan for this weekend. Rob is coming down thursday for the meal and drinks, so I will see him then and Saturday night. Got to be a bit aloof though, dont want him to definately know that i'd be well up for it (although I have a sneaking suspicion that I told him that on Saturday night ). I will be getting drunk though...Must remember not to get too drunk, its not attractive and will lead to mistakes. The trouble is I'll be nervous. I have to say to myself in my head "its not going to happen, so dont get your hopes up" and not get shit faced. Was hoping to have some coke for thursday, just to take the edge off so i wont be so bloody nervous, but cant get it til Friday which is a major pain in the arse. At least I'll have it for the party though, which is the main thing.

I wonder what K thinks of me. It was all just so random. I dont think I fancy him. He is cute and he is actually quite funny, but he doesnt occupy my mind. But he might be a good back up plan if Rob gives me the cold shoulder. That might be crossing a line though sleeping with a friends flatmate...Hmm minefield...

Thursdays give me the blues big time. Its like your just waiting for the weekend to arrive. This week its been extra dull as i've had no mid week drunken silliness to carry me through it all. As yet I have no plans for friday apart from a doctors appointment and a trip to the gym, hardly Paris Hilton. I could ask my friend G out but he is already starting to get the wrong idea, which i do not want to encourage just cos I am bored!!

Been thinking about Rob all day, I so want to text him but I won't. Don't want to lose any face over the whole thing. Well anymore than is strictly necessary anyway...God, I keep imaging it in my head and I know that the more I think about it and obsess about it the less likely it is to happen. Especially now the birthday plans are all going pete tong.

Joint birthdays are always tricky but this one has the added complications of rifts caused by unwanted friends, tactless remarks and general twatness from certain people. I've been looking forward to seeing him again for a month and its all so predictable that it all goes to shit in the eleventh hour, can't even seem to get the coke organised which I assumed would be the easiest part

Going out next Thursday for a meal which the idiot C will definately be going to, and Rob might be there as well I dont know what is worse, having to eat in front of them or knowing that they have both seen me naked and that everyone there will know that apart from them. Although on a plus side I suppose I have never had full sex with either of them so it could be worse Might be seeing the idiot C on Saturday night, must remember not to get too drunk and start either being a total bitch to him or try and pull him and make a complete tit out of myself when he rejects me. Its gonna be tough, I can only see a messy outcome...

Just so we're all on the same page, and probably more for my benefit, I shall go over the events of the past few weeks just so that everyone knows...

I have two weeks ago today I finished with my boyfriend of 2 and a half years, because he was becoming obsessed to the point of stalking. He was always possessive of me, and I always felt sort of controlled by him in a way, but recently it got ridiculous. I found myself lying to him more and more about where I was going and who I was going out with because he had this constant paranoia that I was cheating on him. I found out that he had been going through my emails and logging into my myspace and stupid stuff like that. Once I actually caught him going through my bin!

Anyway at the begining of February, well actually new years eve was the first time we met, I met this guy who we will call Rob. Rob lives miles away from me and is a friend of a friend, he is also really cute and good fun. To cut a long story short we have hooked up twice, each time on drunken nights out, each time with limited if any communication after. After the second time I finished with my crazy stalker ex because I had finally become the cheating harlot he had always imagined I was.

Since I've been split up from stalker boy its been like an incredible weight has lifted off my shoulders. I do miss him sometimes, we used to speak on the phone like 6 times a day and weird not having that contact with anyone anymore...But now I do actually feel free, I can relax in other peoples company, talk to people and not worry that stalker boy is going to freak out and have a go at me cos I made an unapproved friend. I no longer have to lie about where I am or what I am doing its all so liberating!!

However, the last 2 weeks have become a bit of a drunken blur and I have made some very bad choices that will no doubt come back to bite me in the arse. I hooked up with someone, who we will call 'the idiot c', who is an emotional train wreck and whenever we are together we end up hooking up or arguing. So last Saturday I had a party in my flat, which the idiot C came to, so we ended up in bed together. BUT, (and ths is the SECOND time this has happened) when we actually got to go to the actual physical sex he loses his hard on and says "it doesnt feel right"!!! What does he want?? Flowers and a ring??? Candles and rose petals?? Jesus Christ!!So I lose my temper, which was not good but I was totally tanked up, and threw him out This is awkward because we've got to see each other quite a bit cos of our mutual friends birthdays over the next few weeks. I just have to pretend that I'm not bothered that this really cute guy can't manage to seal the deal with me and is always hung up on someone else....grrr

So back to Rob... I think about him all the time, well when I'm not obsessing over whats wrong with the idiot C (which isnt actually that often). He's soo cute and so much fun, but I know that nothing will ever come of it apart from casual sex every few weeks when he is in town. Which at the moment seems like a pretty good deal having come from a ridiculously claustrophobic relationship. The problem is I don't know if he actually likes me or not. If I text him he will text me back usually within a couple of hours, which is actually good because he is known to his friends as a person who never texts. Also I don't want to text him too much so he thinks that i'm bothered or that i'm a mad stalker woman.But he never texts me, so does that mean that he never thinks about me? I know that I have pulled people in the past, and never given them a second thought, so is that how he feels about me then? Obviously I cant ask him how he feels cos we've only met each other like 4 times none of which in a one to one date setting so i'd look like a mad stalker woman if I asked him. I'm soo looking forward to seeing him again though I've been going through all the scenarios in my head (like a mad stalker woman)...

These sort of casual things are soo difficult. It all looks so easy on SATC, but its all a lie. Its just one horrible minefield after another.